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Nov 21, 2023 · These patterns are so detrimental that they are likened to the apocalyptic Four Horsemen, signaling significant trouble if not addressed. 1. Criticism. This is the first of the four horsemen in the relationship. Criticism goes beyond just voicing a complaint or pointing out a specific issue. It’s an attack on the partner’s character or ...
Jun 18, 2022 · Dr. John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist, identified four key behaviors that can predict divorce or break-up, known as the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These behaviors are so destructive to relationships that they were named after the biblical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
- Criticism -- Criticism isn't the same as bringing up an issue to your partner. Letting your partner know you're upset with something specific that they did or said is healthy communication; attacking your partner as a person is criticism.2 I had trouble with this one early in my relationship because I would bring up past issues and make the argument about much more than the current problem.
- Contempt -- Contempt is particularly damaging to relationships because it involves being outright cruel to your partner. Contempt looks like rolling eyes, mocking, name-calling, hostility, and sarcasm.3 When one or both people in a relationship treats the other with contempt, it can be the hardest problem to fix, especially when contempt was modeled for you in your family growing up.
- Defensiveness -- So many of us do this one. Defensiveness is when you react to your partner bringing up an issue as if it's a personal attack and shift the blame back onto them.4 I'm most likely to become defensive when I'm angry or not ready to accept my part in a problem.
- Stonewalling -- Stonewalling can be hard to understand because unhealthy stonewalling and taking a healthy time-out from an argument seem so similar. Stonewalling is when you completely shut down and disengage from your partner.
- Learn What to Do When The Destructive Four Horsemen Enter Your Relationship
- The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility
- The Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing
- You’Ve Got The Skills. Use Them!
The Gottman Relationship Adviser, the world’s first complete relationship wellness tool for couples, takes the guesswork out of improving your relationship. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital relationship plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.
Defensivenessis defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re...
Stonewalling is when someone completely withdraws from a conflict discussion and no longer responds to their partner. It usually happens when you’re feeling floodedor emotionally overwhelmed, so your reaction is to shut down, stop talking, and disengage. And when couples stonewall, they’re under a lot of emotional pressure, which increases heart ra...
Now that you know what the Four Horsemen are and how to counteract them with their proven antidotes, you’ve got the essential tools to manage conflict in a healthy way. As soon as you see criticism or contempt galloping in, remember their antidotes. Be vigilant. The more you can keep the Four Horsemen at bay, the more likely you are to have a stabl...
- Chantelle Pattemore
- Criticism. There’s always going to be something someone says or does which draws criticism from their partner (*cough* not doing chores). But when critical comments become a regular occurrence, those on the receiving end can eventually start developing feelings of worthlessness in the relationship.
- Contempt. In the words of the late great Ms. Aretha Franklin, we all need a lil’ bit of respect. A positive connection requires healthy balance; and when one partner considers themselves superior, those scales tip out of whack.
- Defensiveness. Most of us, by nature, don’t feel great about someone else pointing out our faults. This is especially true if it’s coming from our partners.
- Stonewalling. Being ghosted by someone you’ve been on a few dates with is bad enough, but getting the silent treatment by your partner can be even more hurtful — especially if you’re not sure what you’ve done to cause it.
Sep 8, 2023 · The beauty of understanding the Four Horsemen is that it equips you with the tools to transform your relationship. Remember, the presence of these destructive behaviors doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. Recognizing them is the first step toward change. By practicing the antidotes you can create a shift in your relationship dynamics.
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Aug 10, 2023 · Reducing the presence of the Four Horsemen takes effort from both partners, but the results are worth it. Seeking Help: Couple’s Therapy in Austin. If the Four Horsemen persist in your relationship, seeking help from a therapist can provide an unbiased approach to improving communication. Expert marriage counselors can help change ...
