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If you want your ex back, you need to be aware of this stuff or you risk scaring them off and ending up alone. So let’s talk about the stages your ex goes through after a breakup.
- Overview
- Establishing boundaries
- Taking care of yourself
- Dealing with social media
- If you’ve been living together
- If you have a lot of mutual friends
- If you’re in a polyamorous relationship
- It’s okay to ask for help
After a breakup, taking certain steps, including prioritizing your self-care and setting boundaries, may help make moving forward easier.
Breakups and the emotions they bring up are complicated. Relief, confusion, heartbreak, grief — all of these are perfectly normal reactions to the end of a relationship. Even if things end in healthy and productive way, you’ll probably still be left with some uncomfortable feelings.
Take some time apart
Even if you both know you want to maintain a friendship, a little space for some time won’t hurt. Taking a break from texting and hanging out can help you both start healing. Licensed marriage and family therapist Katherine Parker suggests waiting between 1 and 3 months before getting back in touch with your ex if that’s something you’re interested in. This gives you time to focus on yourself, she says. It can also help you avoid falling into a harmful pattern of offering emotional support to your ex-partner and prolonging the breakup.
Respect each other’s needs
If you want to stay friends but your ex doesn’t want any contact, you need to respect that. Don’t call, text, or ask their friends to talk to them for you. You might miss them dearly, but not respecting their boundaries will likely hurt any future chance of friendship. Alternately, if your ex contacts you, especially before you’re ready to talk, don’t feel obligated to respond. This can be difficult, especially if they seem vulnerable or express feelings similar to your own. Remind yourself that you both need time and space to deal with those difficult emotions and wait until the no-contact period has passed.
Maintain some physical and emotional distance
If you want to try the friendship thing after some time apart, keep an eye out for old patters and behaviors. Maybe you lean your head on their shoulder while watching a movie or they come to you for help during a crisis. There’s nothing inherently wrong with these behaviors, but they can lead to a lot of confusion and further heartbreak. If you and your ex want to maintain a friendship, you have to act like friends.
Prioritize self-care
Parker recommends creating a daily self-care routine. Each day, do something that: •brings you joy (see friends, have a new experience, spend time on your favorite hobby) •nurtures you (exercise, meditate, cook a satisfying but healthful meal) •helps you process your feelings (make art or music, journal, talk to a therapist or other support person) Try to get enough sleep, but avoid sleeping too much. This can interfere with your responsibilities and make you feel groggy and unwell. And then, of course, there’s comfort food, Netflix binges, and a bottle of wine. It’s fine to indulge occasionally while you recover, but keep an eye on things so they don’t become regular habits that are hard to break down the road. Consider saving these things for special times with friends or giving yourself one night a week to cut loose.
Do things you enjoy
After a breakup, you might find yourself with more free time than you’re used to. Try to use this time in positive ways. Maybe during the relationship you spent less time reading and have a stack of unread books waiting by your bed. Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to try gardening or knitting. You could even begin learning a new language or make plans for a solo trip. Finding things to do (and doing them) can help distract you from post-breakup grief.
Express your feelings…
It’s common to experience a lot of emotions after a breakup, including: •anger •sadness •grief •confusion •loneliness It can help to acknowledge these feelings. Write them down, illustrate them, or talk to your loved ones. Movies, music, and books involving people going through similar situations can reflect your experience, so these might offer some comfort.
Do avoid using social media as much as possible
“Social media creates an environment for stalking and unhealthy fixation, along with opportunities for passive-aggressive bullying,” Parker says. Taking some time away from social media can be helpful after a breakup. This ensures you don’t end up souring your mood by coming across photos of your ex or photos of seemingly picture-perfect couples. If you do use social media after your breakup, Parker recommends using it only to connect with and gain support from friends and family. For example, you might consider temporarily deleting the Facebook app from your phone and using Messenger to chat.
Don’t post about the breakup
You don’t need to publicly share that your relationship has ended, because chances are, the people who need to know already do know. “Social media isn’t the place to air your feelings or frustrations toward an ex-partner,” Parker says. You might want to share the truth if your ex lied to you, cheated, or otherwise wronged you, but save your frustration for private messages with people you trust.
Don’t change your relationship status right away
If you and your ex-partner used the “In a Relationship” status on Facebook, it might seem logical (and honest) to change your status to “Single” once the relationship is over. A better option is to hide the status from your profile (or set it so only you can see it). If you take a break from social media, for example, you can hide it until you return. People may be less likely to notice the change after time has passed. If they do notice, your breakup will be old news, so it won’t matter as much. Waiting to change your status will also reduce the chances your ex-partner will feel hurt by the change.
Revamp your space
After your partner moves out, your house or apartment may feel totally different. Your space might feel lonely. It might not feel like “home” anymore. You might want to pack up and move to a place without so many painful memories. If you shared a place and your ex moved out, your home might feel lonely or full of painful memories. Of course, moving into a new place can help, but that’s not always financially feasible. Instead, focus on refreshing your surroundings.
Do a ‘mini remodel’
•move furniture around •get new mugs or dishes •invest in some new bedding •try to get rid of one piece of furniture that you can easily replace •get rid of the blanket you always cuddled under and replace it with throws in different textures and colors •try a different color scheme in your living room or bedroom. •paint your table and chairs. •change rugs, throw pillows, cushions, and blankets Was this helpful?
Box up mementos
It can help to pack up significant reminders of the relationship, including gifts, photographs, or things you bought together. You don’t have to throw these things away. Just set the box aside where you won’t see it all the time. Down the road, you can take another look and decide what you want to keep.
Mutual friends will probably want to know what happened after a breakup. It’s generally best to avoid getting into the details. They might get two very different stories, and gossip can become a problem in some situations.
If friends have heard an untrue version of what happened, you might want to share the truth. Try to avoid an emotionally charged response and offer the facts calmly, without saying anything negative about your ex-partner.
Keep in mind some friends may take sides. You can’t avoid this or force anyone to maintain the friendship. But you can avoid playing into gossip and drama by resisting the urge to say negative things about your ex.
Finally, it’s generally best to avoid asking friends for news of your ex-partner.
Be open about your emotions
Following a breakup with one partner, you might find yourself drawing closer, both physically and emotionally, to your other partners. On the other hand, you might feel: •hesitant about physical intimacy •vulnerable •less interested in your usual activities Your feelings and emotions are all valid, and compassionate partners will understand you’re dealing with a difficult situation. They’ll most likely want to offer support however they can. Just keep in mind that they might experience some emotional fallout from your breakup, too. Keep them in the loop about what you’re feeling and try to communicate what you each need from each other during this transition.
Talk about next steps
As you adjust to having one less partner, you might want to talk with your current partners about: •ways your relationship might temporarily change (for example, you might have less interest in physical intimacy at the moment) •any new boundaries you (or they) want to set for your relationship •how to handle situations where you might see your ex-partner
Take the high road
Again, avoid talking badly about your ex. This is especially important if one of your partners still has a relationship with your ex. The exception? If your ex was abusive or put you in danger, it might be wise to let other partners know.
Breakups are often rough. Friends and family can offer support and help you feel less alone, but sometimes it’s just not enough.
Consider reaching out to a therapist, who can help you:
•identify unhealthy coping methods and replace them with more positive ones
•address and challenge persistent negative emotions
•deal with the effects of manipulation or abuse
•work on a plan for the future
- Crystal Raypole
- Shock. This stage is particularly pertinent if you were the one who was broken up with and if you didn't see it coming. The shock of a breakup is all about pain, disorganization, and confusion, Gullick tells mbg.
- Denial. Shock and denial are closely interrelated, as you grapple with the reality of what's occurred. Hallett explains that as people move into denial, "they're looking for information—they tend to hyper-focus on things like, 'She or he said they'd love me forever, or they promised we were going on vacation.'"
- Bargaining. This is the stage that can lead to "relapse" or going back to your ex, Gullick says. In an attempt to make things better and/or make the problem go away, people may start to bargain—with themselves or with their ex.
- Anger. Once you've moved through shock, denial, and bargaining, the reality of the breakup will begin to set in, "And the person often does have a lot of anger about what's occurred," Hallett explains.
2 days ago · Rebuild your self-concept and envision the future. “Don’t waste your time on getting them back – use your time to get yourself back, the person you were before that relationship.”. Once the acute pain of the breakup has reduced, it will be easier to see that a breakup can be an opportunity for growth.
Nov 20, 2023 · Should you break up? Should you stay together? Can you really love someone who did X? But what about their redeeming quality of Y? This phase technically comes before the breakup even happens.
Jun 10, 2014 · The first stage of grief after a breakup is the effort to understand why — in the midst of foggy disbelief and flashes of painful clarity. Eventually, recovery after a breakup leads...
