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Dec 28, 2018 · Learn what a healthy relationship looks like and how to identify the signs of trust, communication, patience, empathy, and more. This article by a clinical psychologist offers 13 tips for building and maintaining a loving and fulfilling partnership.
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- Overview
- What it looks like
- Relationship red flags
- Questions to ask yourself
- Tips for a healthy relationship
- The bottom line
Open communication, curiosity, individual interests, and teamwork are just a few ways to develop a healthy relationship. But it may also depend on your needs and those of your partner.
If you have or want a romantic relationship, you probably want a healthy one, right? But what’s a healthy relationship, exactly?
Well, it depends.
Healthy relationships don’t look the same for everyone since people have different needs. Your specific needs around communication, sex, affection, space, shared hobbies or values, and so on may change throughout life.
So, a relationship that works in your 20s may be nothing like the relationship you want in your 30s.
Relationships that don’t align with more traditional definitions of a relationship can still be healthy. For example, people who practice polyamory or ethical non-monogamy might define a healthy relationship somewhat differently than people who practice monogamy.
Open communication
Partners in healthy relationships typically talk about the things going on in their lives: successes, failures, and everything in between. You should be comfortable talking about any issues that come up, from things that happen in everyday life, such work or friend stress, to more serious issues, such as mental health symptoms or financial concerns. Even if they have a different opinion, they listen without judgment and then share their perspective. Communication goes both ways. It’s important you also feel that they’ll voice their own concerns or thoughts as they come up. People in non-monogamous relationships may place even more value on emotional check-ins and frequent communication about what’s happening with other partners.
Trust
Trust involves honesty and integrity. You don’t keep secrets from each other. When you’re apart, you don’t worry about them pursuing other people. But trust goes beyond believing they won’t cheat or lie to you. It also means you feel safe and comfortable with them and know they won’t hurt you physically or emotionally. You know they have your best interests in mind but also respect you enough to encourage you to make your own choices.
Individuality
Healthy relationships are best described as interdependent. Interdependence means you rely on each other for mutual support but still maintain your identity as a unique individual. In other words, your relationship is balanced. You know you have their approval and love, but your self-esteem doesn’t depend on them. Although you’re there for each other, you don’t depend on each other to get all of your needs met. You still have friends and connections outside the relationship and spend time pursuing your own interests and hobbies.
Your relationship should contribute to a sense of fulfillment, happiness, and connection. If you tend to feel more anxious, distressed, or unhappy around your partner, your relationship may be struggling.
Signs of unhealthy relationships can vary widely, so this list isn’t all-inclusive. But it may help point out some possible issues.
Is your relationship healthy?
Ask yourself: •Does my partner encourage me to grow? •Do we share goals for the future? •Do we want the same kind of relationship? •Can I be myself with them? •Do I accept them for who they are? •Do we give and take from each other fairly equally? •Is my life better with them in it? •Does our time together have meaning? If you answered yes to six or more of these questions, your relationship is probably a strong one. Was this helpful?
If some (or several) of the relationship red flags struck home, couples counseling might be a good step.
“Couples therapy is about two people arriving to work on themselves,” Antin says. Getting help doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you want to work at improving, for yourselves and for each other.
A shared love of hiking and a mutual fondness for Indian food might have helped you meet your partner, but these factors have little to do with keeping your relationship healthy over time.
At the end of the day, trust and feeling safe together are essential. Do you believe in your ability to learn and grow together?
If you’re worried about your relationship or believe it’s not as strong as it used to be, try to trust your instincts and explore what these feelings mean. A therapist can help offer guidance on when more effort might help and when it’s time to move on.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
- Crystal Raypole
- R.E.S.P.E.C.T. — you both know what it means to each other. Setting up healthy boundaries isn’t always about drawing a line in the sand when things go south.
- You trust one another and that trust is earned. “If you’ve worked through your relationship baggage and you’ve worked through your blind spots, hopefully, you come to a new relationship feeling more neutral about trusting someone else,” says Duke.
- When the going gets tough, you find a way to communicate. “It’s kind of easy to have a relationship during the good times, but what really makes a relationship or bonds you as a couple is going through hard times together,” Duke says.
- You agree to disagree. In most cases, when there’s a conflict, you want to feel heard and understood and you want to come out of it feeling like the solution is a win-win for both of you, so there isn’t any lingering resentment from either side.
- You respect each other. Respect is one of the most important characteristics of a healthy relationship. Once the chase is over, some people can forget about tending to their partner's feelings and needs.
- You're vulnerable with each other. Good communication is a necessary quality of a healthy relationship. If you're not willing to share what's going on with you or what you need from your partner, you're not going to get what you need.
- You have total trust in each other. Healthy relationships require trust. You have to be willing to trust your partner not only with your feelings but with your weaknesses.
- You both maintain unwavering honesty. In a healthy relationship, you have to be willing to share what's going on, no matter how ugly. You can't hide behind lies and deception if you want your relationship to last.
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