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Recognizing when you’ve made a mistake and displaying genuine regret is a valuable skill for building relationships and resolving conflicts professionally. Knowing how to apologize sincerely not only improves your standing in the eyes of others but also helps with your self-improvement.
- Overview
- Recognize the Reasons to Apologize
- Know When to Apologize
- Take Responsibility
- Express Regret
- Make Amends
- Reaffirm Boundaries
- Own Up to Your Part, Not Theirs
- Apologize for the Right Reasons
- Let Go of Results...to an Extent
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Relationships can be wonderful buffers against stress, but relationship conflicts can also cause considerable emotional pain and stress. Knowing how to apologize—and when—can repair damage in a relationship, but if you don't know how to apologize sincerely, you can actually make things worse.
When you've made a mistake or hurt another person, there are many good reasons to apologize. By apologizing, you are able to:
•Acknowledge that you were wrong
•Discuss what is allowed and not allowed in your relationship
•Express your regret and remorse
•Learn from your mistakes and find new ways of dealing with difficult situations
•Open up a line of communication with the other person
Knowing when to apologize is as important as knowing how to apologize. Generally speaking, if you suspect that something you did—on purpose or by accident—caused someone else hard feelings, it's a good idea to apologize and clear the air.
If what you did would have bothered you if it was done to you, an apology is in order. If you're not sure, an apology not only offers you the chance to "own" mistakes you made, but re-establish what you think was OK. If you feel the other person is being unreasonable, a discussion may be in order. You can decide where you stand on the apology after that.
While a sincere apology can go a long way toward mending a relationship, people are often unwilling or unable to take this step. Admitting you were wrong can be difficult and humbling.
Researchers have found that people who believe that personality is changeable are more likely to apologize for harmful actions. Because they feel that change is possible, they feel that accepting the blame for their mistakes is an opportunity for learning and growth.
Taking responsibility means acknowledging mistakes you made that hurt the other person, and it's one of the most important and neglected ingredients of most apologies, especially those in the media.
Saying something vague like, "I’m sorry if you were offended by something I said," implies that the hurt feelings were a random reaction on the part of the other person. Saying, "When I said [the hurtful thing], I wasn’t thinking. I realize I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry," acknowledges that you know what it was you said that hurt the other person, and you take responsibility for it.
When learning how to apologize effectively, it’s important to understand the value of expressing regret. Taking responsibility is important, but it’s also helpful for the other person to know that you feel bad about hurting them, and wish you hadn’t. That’s it. They already feel bad, and they’d like to know that you feel bad about them feeling bad.
What to Say When You Make Amends
If you broke something: "How can I replace it?" If you said something hurtful: "I know my words hurt you. I should have never spoken that way to someone I love and respect. I'll do my best to think before I speak in the future." If you broke trust: "Is there anything I can do right now to help build your trust?" Whatever you can do to make things better, do it. If you’re not sure what would help, ask the other person.
One of the most important parts of an apology and one of the best reasons to apologize is to reaffirm boundaries. Healthy boundaries are important in any relationship.
When you come into conflict with someone, often a boundary is crossed. If a social rule is violated or trust is broken, an apology helps to affirm what kind of future behavior is preferred.
Discussing what type of rules you both will adhere to in the future will rebuild trust, boundaries, and positive feelings. It provides a natural segue out of the conflict and into a happier future in the relationship.
For example, you and your partner, friend, or family member can discuss things you won't tolerate, including:
•Disrespect
•Cheating
Remember that when you apologize, you're taking responsibility for your part of the conflict. That doesn't mean that you're admitting that the entire conflict was your fault. People are often afraid to apologize first because they think whoever apologizes first is "more wrong" or the "loser" of the conflict.
Giving an apology even when only a small part of the conflict was your responsibility is OK and often healthy. It allows you to establish what you regret about your own actions but confirms your own boundaries as well.
When you apologize for just what you did, you can more easily move forward and put the conflict behind you, regardless of the other person's actions. When we apologize, we're able to more easily maintain our integrity and forgive ourselves.
The other person may be moved to apologize for their actions as well. While getting an apology is often nice, it's important to remember that this doesn't always happen. Trying to evoke an apology from the other person is a manipulative tactic that sometimes backfires.
Although apologizing can be a way to maintain integrity and move on from actions we're not proud of, most of us also want to repair the relationship and be forgiven. Sometimes this doesn't happen.
If the apology was sincere and included the necessary ingredients, your chances of forgiveness are greater, but sometimes the other person just isn't ready or able to forgive and move on. Or they may forgive you but remain guarded. Or they may not realize their own role in the conflict. You can't control their response, and if you've done everything you can, let it go for now.
- Elizabeth Scott, Phd
Jul 29, 2022 · Learn and use this person's apology language. The five apology languages are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness. The "apology languages" is a framework that you can use to determine the best approach to apologizing.
Dec 21, 2023 · If you have upset someone, the best way to rectify the situation is by making a sincere, heartfelt apology. But just saying the words isn't quite enough: for an apology to be effective, it has to be genuine. You have to mean it, and you have to make that clear.
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Aug 9, 2024 · Open with “I want to say I’m sorry,” then tell them what exactly you’re sorry for. You might explain your actions, but avoid excuses or dodging blame. Listen to and respect the other person’s response, no matter what it may be, and tell them how you intend to make amends and change your behavior in the future.
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- William Gardner, PsyD
Even if you did everything right, the appropriate measure should be to apologize. So how do you apologize when you aren’t wrong, or rather, if you believe you aren’t wrong? Start by acknowledging how the other person feels. Like any other apology, express regret over what happened.
Aug 24, 2017 · “Hey, I’m sorry you’re upset. I didn’t mean to suggest that your input doesn’t matter, but when you were speaking during the meeting I was trying to process my own thoughts, which is why I interrupted you. I apologize.” Eeee-yeah. That’s not an apology; that’s a justification for bad behavior. Let’s break it down. What the apologizer said:
