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Sep 7, 2024 · Ben Whishaw explains that before he came out as gay and at the start of his career in the early 2000s, it was deemed that gay actors "shouldn’t make a big thing about" their sexuality.
Jan 22, 2018 · Megan Lasher. You might remember one specific moment where the truth about your sexuality suddenly hit you — or, as one girl below put it, her "Oh, sh*t, I'm gay" moment. Below, 30 people recall...
- Overview
- First things first: What’s the exact definition?
- Wait, so lesbians don’t have to be cisgender?
- Am I lesbian if I had a spicy sex dream with someone of a similar gender?
- Is there a quiz that I can take?
- Then how am I supposed to know if I’m a lesbian?
- What does being lesbian ‘look’ like?
- Do I have to be butch or femme?
- Is there anything that ‘causes’ your orientation?
- What does this mean for my sexual and reproductive health?
On TikTok, it’s Le$bean. In “The L Word,” it’s lez. And for most everyone else, it’s lesbian.
Whether you letter-swap, abbreviate, or not, this guide is for anyone who’s ever asked themselves, “Am I a lesbian?”.
Like other sexual identity categories, the definition varies slightly based on who’s doing the defining.
“The most accurate definition to lesbian history is that a lesbian is a non-man who loves, dates, or f*cks other non-men,” says Jordan Underwood, a nonbinary lesbian, fat activist, model, and content creator.
The above definition is more explicitly gender-inclusive than the definition often given for lesbian.
The definition Vanderbilt University’s LGBTQ+ resource center gives, for example, reads: “Usually refers to a woman who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation toward women. Some nonbinary people also identify with this term.”
N-O-P-E!
“There’s often a misunderstanding that comes from TERF (trans-exclusionary radical feminist) rhetoric that all lesbians are AFAB (assigned female at birth) and that lesbianism is centered around vaginas,” Underwood says. But these two things are FALSE.
First, anyone who isn’t a man (regardless of their assigned gender at birth) can be a lesbian.
Second, centering lesbianism around vaginas is trans exclusionary.
“It excludes and invalidates trans femme and trans women lesbians, and it also implies that trans men are lesbians if they’re attracted to women and other non-men,” Underwood explains.
“Trans and nonbinary lesbians have existed throughout history, including Storme DeLarverie (he/him pronouns) and Leslie Feinberg (ze/hir pronouns),” Underwood adds.
Your dreamscape alone isn’t reason enough to doubt your sexuality or to begin identifying as a lesbian.
“Having sex with someone in a dream isn’t the same as being a lesbian,” says Katrina Knizek, a lesbian and sex therapist who specializes in helping people explore their sexuality.
There are many other reasons you might have a “lesbian sex dream” that have nothing to do your sexual orientation, she says.
To name a few:
•You watched “The L Word,” “Below Her Mouth,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” or any other movie or TV episode that featured a lesbian relationship or non-man on non-man kiss or sex scene.
•You watched “lesbian porn” at some point recently.
If only a Buzzfeed quiz held all the answers! *Sighs dramatically*
But no, there isn’t a quiz or test you can take that will tell you your sexuality. And it isn’t because there hasn’t been someone to make the quiz — it’s because a quiz wouldn’t work.
“Finding out that you might be a lesbian can feel different for everyone,” Underwood says.
Some people just know! Others need to do a little self-reflection first.
If you’re reading this article, odds are you’re in the latter camp. Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a lesbian, queer sex educator, and sexpert for adult wellness brand and retailer Lovers, recommends spending some time asking yourself:
•Does the term ‘lesbian’ feel empowering, promising, home-y, exciting, or secure?
•Does identifying as lesbian give me access to the community or support I’m craving?
•Can I identify a pattern of being romantically, emotionally, or sexually attracted to non-men?
“There is no one way a lesbian looks,” Knizek says. “There are as many ways to dress and look as a lesbian as there are with any other sexuality.”
Gender presentation — how you dress, how you walk, how you talk, and so on — isn’t what makes someone a lesbian, Underwood notes. Self-identification is.
If you’re on lesbian TikTok or have been reading up on lesbian history, you may have heard of lesbians identifying as butch, femme, or futch — or by terms that are exclusive to Black lesbians, like stud and stemme.
These terms are known as ‘lesbian genders’ and work to name a few gender expressions within lesbianism. And often, these terms come with a rich history.
However, you don’t need to identify as butch, femme, or by any other lesbian gender. You can, if you choose, identify simply as lesbian.
Lesbian, after all, is an identity label regarding the people we love, date, or f*ck, not necessarily about gender presentation, Underwood says.
“What’s most important is that you’re expressing yourself, your gender, and your sexuality in the ways that make you feel affirmed,” Underwood says.
“You don’t have to commit to butchdom for your entire life or chop your hair off or use different pronouns,” they say. Nor do you have to go all-out on high heels and lipstick to embrace a high-femme identity, if that doesn’t feel authentic.
In a human sexuality or psychology class, this is an interesting question to philosophize. However, outside those specific contexts, this question is, at best, insulting and, at worst, homophobic.
It insinuates that everyone is supposed to be straight, and that, if someone identifies otherwise, something went wrong and caused it. *Eye roll*
Here’s the deal: Your sexual orientation isn’t what dictates your risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or unwanted pregnancy during sexual activities. It’s your testing, barrier use, and birth control practices that do.
Unfortunately, the sex education people receive in school — if they receive it at all — is so cis-heterosexual that sexual minorities often don’t know the risks involved in sexual acts other than penis-in-vagina (P-in-V) intercourse.
Apr 12, 2022 · I turned to Hannah and gave her a kiss—a brief non-sister kiss. “I’m happy to be with you,” I said. As I did so and felt her body close against mine, I also felt how self-protective we were.
Feb 1, 2023 · Research on the lesbian coming out process at the turn of the 21st century not only highlights an incongruent relationship between attraction, behavior, and identity, but also demonstrates that identification as straight, bisexual, or lesbian is not necessarily a linear end point in people's coming out journey [15, 17].
Jun 15, 2022 · Key points. In lesbian relationships, women often strive to balance a desire for oneness with a desire to be seen as separate individuals. Women in lesbian relationships may confront issues of...
Jun 26, 2024 · “At a time incredibly different from the current moment we’re in, she just felt so powerfully about being a lesbian and wanting to connect with other women,” says Enszer.
