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- Biology is a key factor. I know we might like to think that we’re in total control of our thoughts and emotions. But when we’re attracted to someone and begin to have intense feelings for them, it’s largely because biology is helping us.
- Fantasy versus reality. When we’re infatuated, everything looks wonderful and perfect. Even though we know life isn’t perfect and often not wonderful, when we’re in this state of heightened emotion it seems as if everything is right as it is and that nothing can go wrong.
- Superficial versus deep. When we’re infatuated, the emphasis is on what we think makes us most attractive—the way we look, dress, behave. We may be holding back for fear that if we showed parts of ourselves we don’t care for, our partner might be turned off.
- Obsession versus "let it be” Infatuation is another way of saying we are in love with an idea/ideal versus the real thing. One may become so infatuated that they think about the other person all day, totally consumed by them or thoughts of them when they’re not there.
Sep 18, 2024 · What's the best way to tell if you like someone or you're just into the idea of them? Here are some questions you can ask yourself and the signs to look for, according to dating experts.
- Wendy Rose Gould
- Overview
- What it’s like to be in love
- What it’s like to love a partner
- Is one better than the other?
- Can you go back to being in love with someone?
- The bottom line
Falling in love can feel exciting, even exhilarating. But over time, these feelings may change to something more mellow or calm. This doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship.
Romantic love is a key goal for many people. Whether you’ve been in love before or have yet to fall in love for the first time, you might think of this love as the pinnacle of romantic experiences — perhaps even the pinnacle of life experiences.
You feel charged and euphoric around them
It may not seem like it, but being in love is a somewhat scientific process. Falling in love involves a lot of hormones, which can supercharge your feelings and make them wildly fluctuate. When you’re around the person you love, increases in dopamine and norepinephrine lead to feelings of: •pleasure •giddiness •nervous excitement •euphoria Decreases in serotonin can fuel feelings of infatuation. Sex hormones, such as testosterone and estrogen, also play a part by boosting libido and leading to feelings of lust. Other key hormones, such as oxytocin and vasopressin, help cement your attraction by promoting trust, empathy, and other factors of long-term attachment.
You can’t wait to see them again — even when they’ve just left
Even after spending all day with your partner, you still feel lonesome when they leave. You wonder what they’re doing and whether they’re thinking about you. Maybe you already have plans to meet the next day, but you still wonder how you’ll manage until you see them again. This is common when you’re in love. And while it’s certainly healthy to spend some time away from each other, that doesn’t mean you enjoy doing so. If you can’t stop thinking about them even when you’re apart, you’re most likely enjoying that agonizing bliss of being in love.
Everything feels exciting and new
Being in love can change the way you see things. Even everyday activities like going to the grocery store can become more enjoyable. You might also look at other things with new eyes. Many people in love feel more willing to try new things, or things they previously didn’t care for, simply because their partner enjoys them. There’s nothing wrong with trying new things. In fact, openness to new experiences is a great trait to have. But it’s pretty common to feel swayed by a partner’s interests, so make sure you don’t feel pressured to go along with things you really don’t want to do.
You’re secure in their affection
When you first fall in love, you might not only idealize your partner but also want to present an idealized version of yourself. You might, for example, always try to look your best. Or maybe you try to hide what you believe are flaws that might turn off your partner. But over time, as your relationship strengthens, you may feel more at ease being yourself. You don’t worry they’ll dump you if you leave dishes in the sink or forget to take out the trash. You accept that both of you will always wake up with morning breath. This doesn’t mean you don’t make an effort to maintain this affection and help it flourish. It just means you’ve switched over to a realistic view instead of idealized versions of each other.
You don’t feel the need to hold back your opinions
If you’re in love with someone, it’s easy to take on their opinions as your own. Sometimes you may not be completely conscious of this. You may find it easier to openly share your feelings with a partner you love and feel comfortable with. Love often conveys a sense of security, so you may not feel like you need to hide your feelings or opinions to protect the relationship. Even when you have a small disagreement, you know you can talk through it.
You see (and accept) the good with the less than good
Your partner, like you, is an imperfect human. They have good traits, of course, which probably helped you fall in love with them. But they most likely have some aspects of personality or habits you don’t find so great. Even the things that seemed endearing when you first fall in love, such as the way they brush their teeth at the kitchen sink, may become something you sigh and roll your eyes over. Loving someone requires you to see them wholly and accept all their parts, just as they see and accept all of you. Minor flaws often don’t really matter over the long term. But when something does bother you, you’ll probably feel comfortable enough to speak up about it and work to encourage and support each other through personal growth. This doesn’t include serious red flags or signs of abuse. Always reach out to a professional if abuse is present.
So, you know you love your partner, but you think you may not be in love with them any longer.
That’s perfectly all right. In fact, you might even feel a bit relieved to know your hormones have settled down a little.
Some people prefer the excitement of being in love. Others prefer the intimate, deep connection associated with long-term love. Many people work toward long-term relationships for this very reason.
What you want out of a relationship may make one seem better than the other, but healthy relationships are possible with either.
You might feel sadness or regret if you feel your relationship has lost the “spark” associated with being in love. Maybe you want sex to be more spontaneous, or feel excited about seeing your partner instead of comfortable.
Talking to a relationship counselor can help you rekindle the feeling of being in love, but these tips can also help:
•Maintain an interest in their thoughts and feelings. Don’t forget about everyday check-ins. Ask how their day’s going, making sure you really listen to their response.
•Prioritize time together, including intimacy. This might mean dipping out of a work event early or taking a rain check on those movie plans with your friend.
After making it past the early stages of infatuation, your feelings for your partner might become less intense. You may not long for their company in quite the same way. In fact, you might even enjoy time apart.
Don’t worry. This is pretty normal, and it doesn’t have to spell the end of things.
Long-term love involves commitment. If you and your partner devote effort to maintaining your bond, at the very least, you’ll probably have a strong relationship. And you just might keep that actively in love feeling alive, too.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
- Crystal Raypole
- Tiffany Shepherd
- You’re scared you won’t find anyone else. Being in an unhappy relationship is not better than being in no relationship at all. If you keep going back to someone who you know is bad for you because you don’t want to be single, then you need to really think about why letting go is so hard and what it is about single life that scares you so much.
- You can’t seem to move on. Heartbreak can be all-consuming and feel impossible to get over. Trying to move on from someone, even if you know they aren’t good for you, can feel way too hard.
- You lack self-confidence. One of the issues with being with a partner who isn’t healthy for you is that whenever they hurt or disappoint you, they destroy the confidence you have in yourself and make you more reliant on them.
- You keep hoping they’ll change. Do you find yourself constantly making excuses for your partner? Imagining that if they just acted differently, it would be a perfect relationship?
Oct 14, 2015 · When you truly like someone, you like them for the person they are. You like them for the rawness and realness when they’re with you. You’re grateful for their ever being born into this world and crossing your path, for being a spark in your dark days and teaching you so much about life and love.
- Ellen Nguyen
Sep 18, 2024 · Unrequited love involves having strong romantic feelings toward another person who does not feel the same way. It is a one-sided experience that can leave people with feelings of pain, grief, and shame. Signs of Unrequited Love.
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Jul 8, 2022 · Is love a feeling or a choice? Love is a decision and here's why, plus tips to keep choosing love and avoid letting it die.
