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Jun 26, 2023 · What Does "Get Over It" Mean? "Get over it" is a widely used English idiom that essentially conveys moving past a situation or emotion that has caused discomfort or distress. It's an encouragement to accept a change, forgive a wrong, or cease dwelling on an unfortunate circumstance.
- Catherine Winter
- Feel what you need to feel. If you’ve been played by a guy, you’re likely feeling a massive storm of different emotions. One moment you may bawl your eyes out and the next you’re punching your pillow enraged about how anyone could treat you so disrespectfully.
- Don’t be cruel to yourself. If you’ve been played by a guy, your instinct may be to blame yourself. You may criticize yourself for being naive or feel “stupid” for not seeing the red flags.
- Focus on self-care. Ensure you’re focusing on as much love and kindness towards yourself as humanly possible. Self-care looks different for everyone, so while one person will lean heavily on their social circle while crying into bowls of ice cream, another may need silence and towers of books as their solace.
- Ensure closure. If you’ve been severely hurt or damaged by someone who played you badly, one of the best things you can do for yourself is ensure closure by protecting yourself from them and their influence.
- Overview
- Does It All Come Down to Deep-Seated Gender Roles and Expectations?
- Venus and Mars (and Women and Men) Are Getting a Little Closer
When I was 27 I started seeing a guy (let’s call him Brad), who was 10 years my senior. He said he wanted something serious, and after a few intense dates, he said he wanted that with me. My feelings? Same — times infinity. I was infatuated, revering Brad as the most wonderful guy I’d ever met, let alone dated. But after a few months, it became evident that Brad, however eager to settle down, would never be able to commit to me. One of the reasons? He wasn’t over two of his exes. One of them was an ex he’d parted ways with over two decades ago.
Yes, Brad, pushing 40, was still hung up on a girl he’d been with in high school. I was baffled. Had there been some tragedy? Had she been killed in a fire? No. It’s just that she broke his heart rather abruptly, after about a year of going steady. He hadn’t seen it coming, and she’d been cruel — transforming from prom date to mean girl in an incomprehensible instant.
My first “real” boyfriend in college who I had been with for two years had once blubbered while we watched Jules et Jim because it was his ex’s favorite movie — an ex who left him because he’d cheated. Another guy I’d dated was seemingly over the girlfriend that had left him, but if ever she came up in conversation, he’d become so melancholy I’d have to leave him be for a good 15 minutes to stare longingly into space. Then there was Franz, my love from Germany, who as soon as his internship in the U.S was finished, reunited with his ex back in Heidelberg. “In some ways for me, it was never really over,” he’d said.
While I could relate to the pain of being dumped (and even the demobilizing depression that had followed in a couple of cases), this male behavior confused me. What was particularly befuddling was this: They weren’t just sad or missing someone or even recognizing that they maybe weren’t ready to move on, they seemed to be still processing the sheer fact of the breakup — even if the breakup had been eons ago.
These guys weren’t lovesick; they were shell-shocked.
I talked to countless people (of various genders and sexual orientations) about what I was observing. They all said the same thing: Dudes just don’t bounce back after they get their heart broken the way women do. Recently I asked my fiancé (miraculously, I landed a guy who pines after me!) and he agrees with this sentiment, adding that were it not for therapy, he probably wouldn’t have met me because he probably wouldn’t have gone on to OkCupid (it works!) because he probably wouldn’t have felt ready to date again.
It turns out there's some science to back up my hard-earned (and real life) conclusions. A recent study found that while break-ups take a more immediate emotional toll on women, men often "never fully recover — they simply move on."
I consulted a few mental health and relationship experts to learn more. I was surprised to find that everyone I talked to not only concurred that men and women handle breakups differently, but that quite often (in heterosexual relationships, at least) the man has a more difficult time coping.
Men are more prone to being shocked. The greater the shock of the loss, the longer it takes to recover.
“I have always had a theory that is related to males traditionally being the pursuers,” Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist, relationship coach and divorce mediator. “They like the pursuit and seem to place more value (at least initially) on a woman that is beyond their reach. When she ends the relationship, this rejection could hit his confidence and self-esteem hard.”
The good news is that this is beginning to change.
“Our culture has shifted and men have been socialized to be more open and vulnerable,” says Coleman.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Society has a ways to go in all things gender equality, and that includes emotional honesty and exploration for men. Still, men (and women, surely) should seek help if they can’t process that a relationship ended, or if they’re having genuine trouble moving on even once they’ve given time to mourn it.
And if men are hung up on past loves, their new or prospective partners probably don’t want to behave the way I sometimes did. Once, I literally held a man while he wept over an ex, all the while silently begging the universe to make him some day love me the way he loved her. I chose his needs over my own and it backfired for both of us.
Coleman advises that we don’t beat ourselves up for trying to help, but also strongly recommends backing off from potential partners who are clearly not ready to move on from a breakup, no matter how long ago.
“If a woman feels the need to help him get over her, there is a problem, and one only he can solve,” says Coleman. “She should suggest he do that and get back to her when/if he has, and if she is still open to it, they can try again.”
- He shoots down any communication you try to spark. If all of his answers are single-word replies, it's a bad sign. If he regularly makes no effort to try to tell you anything about his day, or if you literally have to wheedle information out of him, he's done.
- Sex is now a thing of the past. Men are very physical creatures. This means that they tend to show their affection physically. If he can't bring himself to have sex with you sober, and if he's stopped initiating, the relationship has been done for a while.
- He no longer tries to argue with you. A man who wants to save a relationship will argue with you if he feels a major issue must be addressed. If you notice that he's stopped trying to argue over things that ticked him off, he's already checked out of the relationship.
- You notice that he sighs around you... a lot. Sighs are often a way that people convey boredom, exasperation, or even just frustration. If he's that frustrated with you, it's a sign he's already done with trying.
- Start by going no-contact. Constantly being reminded of the person you want to get over is not a recipe for success, so going no-contact (including social media) is the first place you'll want to start.
- Allow yourself space to fully grieve. Don't beat yourself up for being sad or upset. Getting over someone is a vulnerable process that looks different (and will take more or less time) depending on the person.
- Avoid romanticizing the past. In Taylor Swift's iconic song "All Too Well," she sings, I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to—and ain't that the truth of so many breakups!
- Lean on your support system. According to Page, we often want to isolate in the midst of our pain, but when you're getting over someone, that's when you really need outside support from trusted loved ones the most.
Mar 18, 2021 · The stages of a breakup aren't unlike the stages of grief, requiring both people to move through phases like denial, anger, and eventually acceptance. Here's what to expect when working through a breakup, plus how long it can really take, according to relationship experts.
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Dec 12, 2023 · It generally depends on the man’s personality, partner, and the reason for breaking up. Generally, getting over a partner you have been dating for years takes a long time. Similarly, some men find it challenging to let go of women who have significantly impacted their lives.
