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Search results
Jan 13, 2019 · There is no specific time frame for dating after the loss of a spouse. We all grieve differently and must respect our own process. Some will decide never to be in another relationship.
- Overview
- When is it time to date?
- Why do I feel guilty? What can I do about it?
- Photographs and memories on display
- Not moving on, just moving forward
The Other Side of Grief is a series about the life-changing power of loss. These powerful first-person stories explore the many reasons and ways we experience grief and navigate a new normal.
After 15 years of marriage I lost my wife, Leslie, to cancer. We were best friends before we’d started dating.
For nearly 20 years, I only loved one woman: my wife, the mother of my children.
I was — and still am — grieving the loss of a woman who’d been the Robin to my Batman (her words, not mine) for nearly two decades.
Still, quite apart from missing the woman I loved, I miss having a partner. I miss the intimacy of a relationship. Someone to talk to. Someone to hold.
The leader of a grief support group I attended talked about the “stages” of grief, but also suggested that it wasn’t as if you processed those stages linearly. One day maybe you raged, then the next you accepted your loss. But that didn’t necessarily mean you didn’t rage again the next day.
When you lose someone, there’s a feeling of being under a microscope, your every move examined by friends, family, coworkers, and connections on social media.
Are you behaving appropriately? Are you mourning “correctly”? Are you being too somber on Facebook? Do you seem too happy?
Whether people are actually constantly judging or not, it feels like it to people who are mourning.
It’s easy to pay lip service to the sentiment, “I don’t care what people think.” It was harder to ignore that some of the people who might be confused, concerned, or hurt by my decision to date would be close family who’d also lost Leslie.
About a year after her death, I felt ready to start looking for another partner. Like grief, the timeframe for each individual’s readiness is variable. You might be ready two years later, or two months.
Two things determined my own readiness to date: I’d accepted the loss and was interested in sharing more than just a bed with a woman. I was interested in sharing my life, my love, and my family. The droplets of grief were falling less frequently. The waves of emotion that radiated out were more manageable.
I felt guilty almost immediately.
For nearly 20 years, I hadn’t gone on a single romantic date with anyone other than my wife, and now I was seeing someone else. I was going on dates and having fun, and I felt conflicted by the idea that I should enjoy these new experiences, because they seemed purchased at the expense of Leslie’s life.
I planned elaborate dates to fun venues. I was going out to new restaurants, watching movies outside in the park at night, and attending charity events.
I started wondering why I’d never
done the same things with Leslie. I regretted not pushing for those sorts of
date nights. Too many times I left it to Leslie to plan.
Being ready to date and being ready to bring your date back to your house are two very different things.
While I was ready to put myself back out there, my house remained a shrine to Leslie. Every room is filled with our family and wedding pictures.
Her nightstand is still full of photographs and books, letters, makeup bags, and greeting cards that’ve remained undisturbed for three years.
The guilty feelings of dating are nothing compared to the
guilt of trying to figure out what to do with a 20 by 20 wedding photograph
over your bed.
There are other things to think about — other milestones to address: Meeting the kids, meeting the parents, all of those potential wonderful terrifying moments of new relationships.
But it starts with moving forward. It’s the opposite of forgetting Leslie. Instead, it’s actively remembering her and deciding how best to move forward while still respecting that shared past.
This reboot of my “dating days” comes easier with the knowledge that Leslie herself wanted me to find someone after she was gone, and had told me so before the end. Those words brought me pain then, instead of the comfort I find in them now.
So I’ll allow myself to delight in the discovery of a great new person and try as hard as I can to keep the regrets and past mistakes I can’t control from spoiling that.
And if after all of that my dating now is judged “inappropriate,” well, I’ll just have to politely disagree.
Want to read more stories from people navigating a new normal as they encounter unexpected, life-changing, and sometimes taboo moments of grief? Check out the full series here.
- Jim Walter
Aug 6, 2024 · It is not an easy answer, and like every relationship before, it will take work and devotion, and that may or may not be something you feel you have the energy for right now. Dating after the loss of a spouse may never feel right, and that is okay too. Take it day by day, listen to your gut, and don’t be afraid to venture out.
Apr 10, 2024 · Dating after being widowed is understandably challenging. You are likely to still be grieving the loss of your spouse, but you may struggle with loneliness and desire an intimate relationship. You might think that you are ready to date again, but you probably also feel guilty, as if you are disrespecting your deceased spouse by moving on too soon.
- Jenni Jacobsen
2 days ago · Coca Washington, a registered nurse in Detroit Michigan lost her late husband Dwayne to suicide in April of 2005. After going missing for over a month, his body was found in the water a day after Mother's Day. They had been together for a total of five years and married for three.
Feb 11, 2022 · New relationships after the death of a partner. Considering dating or starting a new relationship after losing a partner is a very individual and emotional decision. By Cruse Bereavement Support · February 11, 2022. Losing a partner is one of the hardest and most painful experiences life can throw at us. Everyone’s experience is different ...
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May 30, 2024 · Remember that you do not need to dive into serious relationships immediately. Take things slowly, enjoy casual dates, and allow yourself to gradually ease into the dating world. If you find it particularly difficult to move forward, consider talking to a therapist.
