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- Criticism. The first of the four horsemen is criticism. Criticism is the act of noticing a problem within your life or the relationship and turning it into a commentary of your partner's character trait flaws.
- Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a reaction to perceived criticism. Sometimes the criticism is actually there, and sometimes it's simply a projection. When people get defensive, they might
- Stonewalling. The next of the four horsemen is stonewalling. Stonewalling is exactly as it sounds: when someone in the conversation starts to act like a stone wall.
- Contempt. Contempt is the most dangerous of all of the four horsemen. At minimum, it is very mean, and at worst, it becomes emotional abuse. According to Gottman's research, contempt has shown to be the biggest indicator of divorce.
- Marissa Moore
- Criticism. Criticism occurs when you or your partner attacks the other’s character, beliefs, personality, appearance, or actions. Criticism uses absolute or superlative statements, which is different from voicing how you feel or what you think.
- Contempt. Contempt is a more severe escalation of criticism. If you and your partner are communicating with contempt, it may come from a place where you feel superior over your partner and you speak or act in a condescending way to them.
- Defensiveness. Defensiveness occurs when you or your partner denies responsibility when communicating to or about the other. This communication pattern often pops up if you feel attacked or criticized by your partner.
- Stonewalling. Stonewalling is the last horseman, and this occurs when one partner disengages from the conversation. If you or your partner are stonewalling, it may look like
Jun 18, 2022 · Dr. John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist, identified four key behaviors that can predict divorce or break-up, known as the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These behaviors are so destructive to relationships that they were named after the biblical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Understanding and addressing these behaviors is crucial for maintaining
Jan 22, 2024 · When the Four Horsemen are present without an effective repair attempt, couples divorce an average of 5.6 years after the wedding, says Gottman’s research. When they appear later in a marriage ...
Mar 6, 2023 · Criticism: persistent attacks on a partner’s character, beliefs, personality, appearance, or actions. Defensiveness: Denying responsibility when approached with criticism or advice. Stonewalling ...
- Tom Hale
Jul 18, 2022 · Criticism is one of the four horsemen according to Dr. John Gottman. In criticism, you blame your partner. You frame your complaints as if there’s something defective in your partner, and it seldom works. Every marriage has conflict discussions. But Gottman has learned that how you begin this conversation matters. Bad starts predict bad endings.
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Nov 21, 2023 · Criticism. Identify: Instead of addressing a specific behavior, you or your partner attack each other’s character or personality. Avoid: Focus on the specific issue at hand. Use “I” statements to express feelings without blaming, e.g., “I feel hurt when you forget our dates” instead of “You’re always so careless.”. 2.
