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- Criticism. The first of the four horsemen is criticism. Criticism is the act of noticing a problem within your life or the relationship and turning it into a commentary of your partner's character trait flaws.
- Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a reaction to perceived criticism. Sometimes the criticism is actually there, and sometimes it's simply a projection. When people get defensive, they might
- Stonewalling. The next of the four horsemen is stonewalling. Stonewalling is exactly as it sounds: when someone in the conversation starts to act like a stone wall.
- Contempt. Contempt is the most dangerous of all of the four horsemen. At minimum, it is very mean, and at worst, it becomes emotional abuse. According to Gottman's research, contempt has shown to be the biggest indicator of divorce.
- Harsh Startup. The most obvious indicator that a conflict discussion (and marriage) is not going to go well is the way it begins. When a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm (a form of contempt), it has begun with a “harsh startup.”
- The Four Horsemen. Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that we call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
- Flooding. Flooding means that your partner’s negativity—whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness—is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked.
- Body Language. When my team monitored couples for bodily changes during a conflict discussion, we could see just how physically distressing flooding was.
- What Are The Four Horsemen in Conflict?
- First Horseman – Criticism
- Criticism vs. Complaints
- What’s Wrong with Criticism?
- Complain About Behavior instead.
- Second Horseman – Defensiveness
- What’s Wrong with Defensiveness?
- Third Horseman: Stonewalling
- Stonewalling Is Ineffective
- Fourth Horseman: Contempt
In the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Gottman finds four behaviors destructive to love. Improving your relationship. these four horsemen, Gottman says, means learning to eliminate them. These four horsemen, John Gottman claims, are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt and are very damaging to a marriage. You can improve your marri...
Criticism is one of the four horsemen according to Dr. John Gottman In criticism, you blame your partner. You frame your complaints as if there’s something defective in your partner, and it seldom works. Every marriage has conflict discussions. But Gottman has learned that how you begin this conversation matters. Bad starts predict bad endings. Com...
A complaint is not like criticism. A complaint is specific to a behavior you want to change. Criticism is an attack on the person. A complaint focuses on the issue.
You may feel angry and emotionally overwhelmed but making your partner the problem when talking about your unhappiness is seldom effective and damages your fondness and admiration system.
Complaining requires you to be specific about the behavioryou want to change. So in couples therapy, we want to focus on changing your partner’s behavior that is annoying you. The “masters of marriage” complain. The “disasters of marriage”criticize. It can be really challenging to break a chronic pattern of criticizing. We teach you how to re-word ...
The second of the four horsemen is defensiveness. When you feel under attack, your response to feeling criticized is to get defensive. I say “feeling criticized” instead of “being criticized” because your perception is a driving force, whether it’s a true criticism or not. Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence or...
Defensiveness implies your partner won’t impact or influence you. They cannot have an effect on you. Escalating the fight is often the result. The “masters of marriage”accept some responsibility for their actions. They don’t bat it back and ask themselves: “Is there anything I can agree with?” They don’t deny all charges! Curing defensiveness means...
The Third of the Gottman Four Horsemen is Stonewalling. Stonewalling, seen mostly (85%) in men, includes nonverbal communication as the listener withdraws from the interaction while staying in the room. There is an effort not to give a clue that he or she is even listening. You will see this type of non-verbal behavior: 1. Looking to the side 2. No...
Stonewalling is an ineffective attempt to calm yourself (or the situation) down, but often this doesn’t happen for two reasons: 1. The person who is stonewalling is rehearsing negative thoughts over and over in their minds (“I can’t believe she said that! That is so unfair!”) and 2. the person who is experiencing the stonewalling often finds it ver...
The final of the Gottman Four Horsemen is contempt. Your goal should be to eliminate all contempt. It includes things like verbal threats and name-calling, as well as nonverbal cues like eye-rolling and insulting. We see the other three Horsemen in healthy relationships, but we don’t see Contempt when a relationship is working well. Being contemptu...
Mar 6, 2023 · Criticism: persistent attacks on a partner’s character, beliefs, personality, appearance, or actions. Defensiveness: Denying responsibility when approached with criticism or advice. Stonewalling ...
- Tom Hale
Sep 5, 2024 · Contempt conveys to your partner that you consider yourself superior and think very little of them—which is a guaranteed way to leave them feeling worthless or inferior. 4. Stonewalling. The ...
Feb 24, 2022 · Let’s recap. Negative communication patterns may present themselves as Gottman’s evidence-based Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse predictors of divorce or separation in your relationship ...
People also ask
Are the Four Horsemen a predictor of divorce?
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May 17, 2023 · The Law of Responsibility (we can and must look at how we co-created our divorce); 5. The Law of Choice (having looked at the reality, we can choose new interpretations that are more empowering); 6. The Law of Forgiveness (we can cut the karmic cord, and ask for forgiveness); and finally, 7.
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