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May 17, 2023 · Narcissistic triangulation is an intentional manipulation tool often used to control a situation. Triangulation itself is a relational dynamic where two people disagree, and a third person gets pulled into the argument, forming a “triangle.”1 While many people don’t triangulate intentionally or maliciously, triangulation can be harmful in the hands of a narcissist. While
- Overview
- What it looks like
- What’s the motivation?
- How to respond
- The bottom line
Triangulation refers to a specific behavior that can come up within a two-person conflict. This tactic can show up in nearly any type of relationship — between friends, family members, romantic partners, or even coworkers.
Triangulation happens when one or both of the people involved in the conflict try to pull a third person into the dynamic, often with the goal of:
•deflecting some of the tension
•creating another conflict to take the spotlight off the original issue
•reinforcing their sense of rightness or superiority
A couple having an argument, for example, might turn to a roommate, encouraging them to take a side or help work things out.
In relationships
Triangulation is one way a partner with narcissism might work to maintain control in the relationship. People with narcissism don’t always use blatant abuse tactics, like name-calling or aggression and violence. Instead, they often use manipulative tactics, like gaslighting, silent treatment, or triangulation, in order to maintain the upper hand. If you offer the praise and admiration they’re looking for, they might find the relationship with you perfectly fulfilling. But they want to make sure you continue to supply the attention they need, so they subtly unbalance you to keep you from attempting to leave the relationship. “Look,” they might say, holding out their phone to show you a picture of their last partner, completely nude. “They keep sending me photos, saying that they want me back.” They take a long look at the photo, then at you, then back at the photo. “Honestly, I’m not sure why we broke up anymore,” they might add. “We had the wildest sex. And what a hottie.” Maybe they continue to drop mentions of their ex from time to time, reminding you of the hot, sexy person who wants to get back together with them. They don’t outright compare the two of you, but they certainly imply they had a better time together. As a result, you might feel insecure and begin to worry they’ll leave you for their ex. You might also work harder to accommodate their needs and desires in order to earn similar praise. Both outcomes can make it easier for them to manipulate you in order to get what they want.
Between parents and children
Parents with narcissism generally use triangulation in one of two main ways. Elinor Greenberg, PhD, Gestalt therapist and author of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety, explains that a parent with narcissism may pull a child into a triangle when the other parent loses patience and leaves the relationship. This narcissistic parent might work to buy the child’s love by: •offering treats the other parent doesn’t normally allow •lying or manipulating older children into believing the fault lies with the parent who left •ignoring reasonable rules and limits set by the other parent The child might then respond by supplying the parent with the admiration and love they need and no longer receive from the other parent. If the other parent chooses to return to the relationship in order to better protect their child, they may find the child takes the side of the parent with narcissism. In short, the narcissistic parent divides the child from the other parent.
Favored child vs. the scapegoat
A parent with narcissism might also triangulate by playing children off each other. They might designate one child as the good child, or the favorite, while the other serves as a scapegoat for wrongdoing and blame, explains Greenberg. The parent might alternate their attentions, occasionally elevating the scapegoat child and devaluing the favorite, or they might simply imply that the scapegoat child should try harder to earn their love and affection. In either scenario, they typically give only one child positive attention at a time. The other child, feeling neglected and ignored, tends to work harder to earn attention by competing with their sibling or making a dedicated effort to keep the parent happy (or both). They never know when they might earn the love and validation they crave, so they keep working for it. An occasional kind word or other positive reinforcement from their parent will generally only keep them trying harder to earn similar rewards.
People can triangulate without meaning to, often when they find it difficult to address conflict directly and want support from friends and loved ones.
Narcissistic triangulation, on the other hand, happens intentionally.
It uniquely serves the needs of someone with narcissism because it lets them utilize both parties as a source of narcissistic supply, Greenberg explains.
Narcissistic supply refers to the attention, praise, admiration, power, or sense of specialness that people with narcissism need. Triangulation helps reinforce their sense of superiority and specialness while leaving others confused and unbalanced.
It also offers an opportunity to devalue one person while raising another and drawing them closer. They can later use them as a consistent source of praise and admiration or further manipulate them in pursuit of their own goals.
This tactic can also drive wedges into relationship dynamics, allowing the person with narcissistic tendencies to turn two people against each other and remain dominant.
Once you recognize the signs of narcissistic triangulation — constant comparisons, for example, or the classic, “I really shouldn’t tell you this, but I think you should know what so-and-so said about you” — you might wonder how to respond most effectively.
Standing your ground in the face of these divide-and-conquer tactics is often easier said than done, but these strategies can help.
People with narcissism generally only change when they choose to make the effort, so you can’t always stop narcissistic triangulation.
When you’re struggling to find productive responses and safeguard your own well-being when involved with someone who uses these tactics, a therapist can offer guidance and help you put together a toolbox of helpful coping skills.
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Sep 7, 2023 · Coping. Triangulation in relationships refers to a communication pattern where one person avoids direct interaction with another, instead using a third person as an intermediary. This can create misunderstandings and conflicts, often serving as a manipulative strategy to control or gain power. Triangulation typically entails a dynamic where the ...
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Oct 11, 2024 · In psychology, triangulation refers to a dynamic that can arise from a conflict between two people. It involves them communicating primarily through a neutral party or otherwise drawing a third person into their own issues, creating a "triangle". The concept is often associated with Murray Bowen, one of the early pioneers of family systems ...
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