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- “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” — Wayne Dyer. The quote highlights a profound truth: when we judge others, we unveil our own inner landscape more than we define them.
- “We can never judge the lives of others because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” — Paulo Coelho. This quote speaks to a specific truth: each person intimately knows their own pain and sacrifices, making it impossible for us to truly understand and judge their experiences.
- “The most memorable people in your life will be the ones who loved you when you were not very lovable. Remember this, and return the favor.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
- “The way we treat people we strongly disagree with is a report card on what we’ve learned about love, compassion, and kindness.” — Marc Ian Barasch. Treating those we strongly disagree with is a measure of our mastery over love, compassion, and kindness.
- Overview
- What is emotional support?
- What are the qualities of emotional support?
- Examples of emotional support
- How to be emotionally supportive
- What not to do
- How to ask for emotional support
- What to expect from emotional support
- Summary
Giving emotional support is a way of helping people feel connected and less alone. Being emotionally supportive is not always easy, and different situations call for different types of support.
Providing emotional support requires a person to listen without judgment and show that they understand by responding empathetically. This may mean that a person has to resist the impulse to try and fix things or talk someone out of how they are feeling.
More than half of people say that they need emotional support to make difficult decisions. For people with mental or physical health conditions, having the right social support can help improve the quality of life, and may even lengthen it.
Read on to learn what emotional support is, how to give it, and how to ask for it.
Emotional support is showing care and compassion for another person. It can be verbal or nonverbal. It may include actions such as helping a person call a therapist or giving a hug to a crying friend.
Emotional support can help a person cope with their emotions and experiences and show them that they are not alone. This can make a substantial difference to a person’s health and happiness.
The American Psychological Association’s 2022 Stress in America report found that emotional support correlated with lower stress levels and higher rates of well-being.
The researchers found that 52% of people who felt that they needed more emotional support during the COVID-19 pandemic said that their life stress had increased, compared with the 27% who reported having adequate emotional support.
Emotional support can look different, depending on the situation, the people involved, and cultural or social norms. However, there are some hallmarks of good emotional support that apply in any situation.
Effective emotional support is:
•respectful, treating the person in need with dignity and consideration
•nonjudgmental, which means that a person does not judge the other’s thoughts, feelings, or perspective
•compassionate, providing reassurance and understanding
•unconditional, which means that the person does not need to do anything or react in any specific way to get support
Active listening
This technique involves listening attentively to what a person is saying and engaging directly with it. This shows the person that what they say matters. To actively listen, a person must: •give the other their undivided attention •allow them to say what they feel without judgement •ask questions to clarify or better understand their experiences •verbally summarize or reflect on what they have said A few simple questions and responses can help a person feel heard. For example, if a person just found out that they did not get a job, a friend might say: •“What happened?” •“How are you feeling about it?” •“It sounds like it did not go how you wanted it to.” •“That is really frustrating.”
Empathizing and validating
Empathizing with another’s experiences as much as possible is an important part of emotional support. Validating their feelings goes a step further, letting the person know that how they feel is normal and OK. For example, if a loved one is grieving, a person might say: •“It is understandable you feel angry.” •“It is normal to feel a mixture of things right now.” •“It see why you feel that way.” It may be difficult to empathize with emotions that a person has not experienced themselves. In these situations, it is OK to be honest about not having the same experience. Instead, a person can acknowledge someone’s pain by saying: •“That must be so hard.” •“I can only imagine how difficult that is.” •“I am sorry that you are going through this.”
Love, care, and encouragement
Sometimes, a person needs to hear that they are loved. A person experiencing a breakup, for example, might want to hear: •“I love you no matter what.” •“I am here for you.” •“I will listen for as long as you need me to.”
This is one general formula for being emotionally supportive:
1.Listen with empathy: Consider how the other person may be feeling, and listen for the specific words that they use to describe it. Remember that people can have different reactions to the same events, so try to understand their perspective.
2.Listen without judgment or interruption: Sometimes just being heard makes a person feel supported. Do not tell the other person how they should feel. Do not argue against their way of thinking or diminish the severity of their problems.
3.Reflect: Summarize, or “mirror,” what they have said, as this shows understanding. For example, “It must be so frightening that John is back in the hospital. I can hear that you are tired and scared.”
4.Offer compassion and reassurance: Depending on the situation, it may be appropriate to remind the person that everyone makes mistakes or that they are loved. Or it may be appropriate to praise their ability to get through difficult times.
5.Be honest: Even when a person is unsure how to react to bad news or difficult feelings, it is still possible to be supportive. A person might say, “I want to make it better and provide the right support, but I am not sure what to say. I am still here to listen, though, and I want to continue talking.”
Learning how to provide emotional support takes time, and sometimes people have unhelpful responses, even without meaning to. Some things to try to avoid include:
•Telling a person how to feel: Emotions, including strong emotions, are part of the human experience. It can be scary to hear someone talk about how overwhelming theirs are, but this does not make the emotions bad. Avoid telling someone to try to change their mindset or “Think positive,” as this invalidates their feelings.
•Minimizing the problem: People find different things stressful or difficult. Avoid telling someone that their problem is not that bad or that others have it worse. This may make them feel guilty.
•Saying “I know how you feel”: This may be true, but try not to make this assumption before hearing what the person has to say. Claiming to understand before gaining true understanding of the person’s unique perspective may make them feel less understood.
•Rushing the conversation: If there is not enough time to provide emotional support, do not rush through the conversation. This can make the person feel unimportant. Instead, a person might say: “I really want to talk about this, but I have a meeting that I cannot get out of. Can we talk at lunch?”
•Focusing on one’s own needs: People in distress usually do not have the ability to tend to others’ feelings, so talking about how their emotions are affecting others is not helpful. It may only make them feel guilty. Try to focus on their needs during the conversation.
Asking for support can be a difficult step, but it is an important one. People who need help can try:
•Choosing the right person: Some people are more experienced than others at providing support. This does not necessarily mean that they care more, only that they have more practice. Try to choose a person who has this skill, and avoid those who have been unhelpful in the past.
•Explicitly asking for support: This may be hard, but it can reduce miscommunication and help a person find support faster. Tell the other person what they can do to help. For example: “Do you have time to talk? I need someone to listen.”
•Communicating clearly: If a person has misunderstood or is saying things that are not helpful, gently let them know. For example, “I know you want to help by giving me advice, but I just want to vent right now.”
It is important for the person asking for support and the person giving it to have realistic expectations about what emotional support can and cannot achieve.
Emotional support can provide connection, understanding, and sometimes ideas that may help solve problems. This is not a guarantee, and it is not the supporter’s responsibility to provide solutions.
Instead, the goal of emotional support should be to make the other person feel heard, valued, and cared for. Even if the difficult situation continues, emotional support can help, for example by preventing the person’s distress from escalating.
Emotional support is working if the other person verbalizes that the support has been helpful or seems calmer or more hopeful afterward.
Sometimes, the conversation has to end before this point, and this can be unavoidable. For example, a person may have family or work obligations. This is not necessarily a sign that they do not care. Emotional support can be challenging, and it is important that everyone involved feels that they can set healthy boundaries.
If a person feels unable to offer support, they should compassionately express this. Try something like, “I love you, and want to support you, but I feel overwhelmed right now. Let’s find another way to get support.”
Giving emotional support is a way to show care and compassion. It cannot replace therapy or medical treatment, but it makes a significant difference to well-being.
Active listening, emotional validation, and offering reassurance are all examples of emotional support, but a person should tailor their approach to each individual and setting.
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