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- “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” – Conan O’Brien. Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
- “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden. This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.
- “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘toys not included.'” – Bernard Manning. What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
- “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson. A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
- Naughty and Nice Quotes. "It's all fun and games 'til Santa checks the naughty list." – Unknown. “Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Christmas Tree Quotes. "Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." – Larry Wilde. “There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.”
- Christmas Gift Quotes. "Dear Santa, this year please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. You mixed those two up last year." – Unknown. "Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas."
- 'Tis the Season. "Don't blame the holidays. You were fat in August." – Unknown. "Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard." – Andy Borowitz. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
Nov 2, 2022 · We have covered all bases, funny Christmas quotes for family, rude Christmas for adults, short Christmas messages, cute Christmas sayings, even sarcastic Christmas quotes and festive messages for those few who hate Christmas.
Dec 25, 2022 · Share these funny holiday quotes with your friends and family to spread Christmas joy, or use them as clever Christmas-themed Instagram captions.
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1.) If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight. Unknown 2.) Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge 3.) Do you know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat. Unknown 4.) Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help. Andy Borowitz
8.) Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues. Unknown 9.) The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes. Julius Sharpe 10.) Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear. Unknown 11.) What I don’t li...
14.) Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. Andy Borowitz 15.) Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny Carson 16.) I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents that I can’t wait to exchange. Henny Youngman 17.) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all...
33.) A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. Garrison Keillor 34.) There’s nothing sadder in this world than to wake up on Christmas morning and not be a child. Erma Bombeck 35.) One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales. Grace Kriley 36.)...
45.) I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery. Ellen Griswold (Christmas Vacation) 46.) The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches. And, no turkey salad. And, no turkey gravy. Turkey Hash. Turkey a la King. Or gallons of turkey soup. Gone, ALL GONE. Ralphie (Ch...
56.) Why were there only three kings at Jesus’ birth? Elvis had not yet entered the building. May your longest list this Christmas be the one that counts your blessings. Unknown 57.) At Christmas, play and make good cheer; for Christmas comes but once a year. Thomas Tusser 58.) You are the reason Santa has a naughty list. Unknown 59.) Santa Claus w...
65.) I wish your holidays to be filled with many big smiles and celebrations – but hopefully not big credit card bills. 66.) My Christmas wish for you this year is simple: with all you are going to consume over the holidays, I hope your digestive system can handle it like a champ. 67.) Happy holidays. May your egg nog contain enough rum to get you ...
76.) Remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing during this extraordinary time of year is that you save the receipt. Dave Barry 77.) Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of the children, they are all 30 feet tall. Larry Wilde 78.) There are three stages of man: he believe...
85.) Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal. Lenore Hershey 86.) A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing. Jay Leno 87.) You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights....
103.) People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. Unknown 104.) Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas. Peg Bracken 105.) Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, ev...
Oct 16, 2023 · A list of funny Christmas quotes, messages, wishes and sayings including ones that are short, cute, about Christmas Eve, family and from movies.
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Nov 28, 2016 · Humorous Christmas Quotes. Below are 52 of our favorite funny Christmas quotes and sayings from the famous and not-so-famous. Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up. Wendy Cope. Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!
