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May 30, 2024 · Key points. Effective compromise involves identifying our underlying needs. When trying to solve a problem, remember that your partner is a teammate not an adversary. In complex situations,...
- Compromise Made Simple: 7 Handy Tips for Couples
In this post, I’ll enumerate seven ways of compromising that...
- Compromise Made Simple: 7 Handy Tips for Couples
- Overview
- What Is the True Meaning of Compromise?
- Why Compromise Is a Pillar of Healthy Relationships
- What Are Examples of a Compromise?
- Getting Comfortable With Compromise
- When You Should (and Shouldn't) Compromise
- Summary
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Compromise is an important skill in relationships. It can help you and your partner find the middle ground and resolve conflicts.
When you’re in a relationship, chances are you and your partner will have different values, preferences, or habits. For instance, you may have different views on things like where to go on vacation or what color to paint the kitchen. These differences can lead to conflict, with each party wanting different things and no easy answer. This is where compromise comes in.
“In a relationship, compromise is an invitation to collaborate with your partner while solving problems,” says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”
It’s not fair for either one of you to get your way all the time, so compromise helps ensure that both partner’s views are heard and a mutually beneficial solution is worked out accordingly.
Compromise entails a mutual respect and regard for each other’s feelings and needs, says de Llano. It requires both partners to cooperate with each other and make adjustments to accommodate each other.
Compromise is an important tool in relationships because it helps resolve conflicts. If you or your partner are unable to compromise and insist on things only being done your way, it can lead to repeated conflict, which can erode the relationship over time.
A sign of a healthy relationship is not that you and your partner agree on everything but that you’re able to compromise and work out your differences in a mutually respectful manner.
Compromise teaches us that our own point of view or desires are only part of the equation in a relationship, says de Llano.
"When we compromise, we validate our partner’s feelings, needs, desires, and aspirations. We are showing them that we respect them, their needs matter, and that their point of view is valuable—even though it’s different from our own," she says.
These are some examples of compromise in a relationship:
•Planning dates: It’s important to take each partner’s preferences into account while planning dates. For example, if your partner is vegan, that could mean checking ahead of time and only scheduling dates at restaurants that have vegan options on the menu. This may mean that you can't go to your favorite restaurant together because it doesn't have any vegan options.
•Expressing love: You and your partner may have different love languages. Learning to speak their love language can help them feel loved and cared for, even if it’s not the same as preferred method of showing affection. For instance, even if you prefer to express affection love verbally, if they prefer to express it physically, you can make an effort to be more physically affectionate with them so they feel loved in their love language.
•Dividing household chores: You and your partner can negotiate how to split up housework. For instance, if you hate taking out the trash, you can ask your partner to do it every night and in return, you always do the dishes after dinner.
•Spending time together: You may prefer to spend your weekends doing outdoor activities; whereas, your partner may prefer to catch up with friends and family. You could compromise by going for a run or hike together on Saturdays and see loved ones on Sundays.
•Splitting up the holidays: If both your families are expecting you for the holidays, you and your partner may have to work out a compromise. For instance, you can spend Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with theirs. Or, you can do Christmas Eve with your family and Christmas Day with theirs.
If you and your partner are learning how to compromise with one another, these are some steps that can help you get more comfortable with it:
•Have a respectful discussion: The first step is to have a calm and respectful discussion with your partner, says de Llano. “Each of you should express your feelings and viewpoint without interruption.” Tell your partner what you think, want, or expect and explain why it’s important to you. Listen to what they have to say.
•Acknowledge each other’s feelings: Each partner should acknowledge what they heard their partner say and why it’s important to them, says de Llano. Even if you don’t agree with them, acknowledging their feelings can help them feel seen and heard.
•Be willing to give and take: It’s important to be willing to give and take. Keep an open mind and be flexible. Only wanting things your way is not conducive to a healthy and happy relationship.
•Look for solutions together: Work with your partner to find a solution together. Discuss the pros and cons and choose the option that works best for both of you. This may mean doing things your way, their way, or finding another option altogether.
•Make compromises lovingly: Remember that compromise is a loving gesture and not a punishment or a sacrifice, says de Llano. If you are the one compromising on something, do it graciously and lovingly.
When You Should Compromise
You should compromise when: The issue is important to your partner: If your partner feels strongly about something and is insisting it is important to them, this may be a time to compromise to accommodate them, especially if it doesn’t infringe on your core beliefs or values. The compromise is fair: The best solutions involve give and take on both sides so that the compromise is fair and equitable. For instance, if you like beach vacations but your partner prefers the mountains, you can pick a place that has both. Though it may not have been either of your first choice, it’s a reasonable compromise that accommodates both your preferences. The relationship is balanced: A healthy relationship is one where both partners are considerate of each other’s needs and preferences. Making compromises to accommodate each other can help you and your partner grow closer together and strengthen the bond between the two of you.
When You Shouldn’t Compromise
On the other hand, you shouldn’t compromise when: Your core values are being compromised: Avoid compromising on your core values. For example, if you’re trying to decide which movie to watch, you can compromise and let your partner pick a movie they like. However, if your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, then it’s important to make your boundaries clear. If you feel strongly enough about something, it’s worth fighting fairly for it, says de Llano. Your boundaries are being violated: Compromise does not extend to boundary violations in a relationship, says de Llano. “If you’re being put down, spoken to inappropriately, or feeling harmed, your mental, physical, and emotional safety come first.” You're the only one compromising: A relationship where only person makes all the compromises is an unhealthy dynamic. If you find that you're the only one making compromises, both big and small, it may be time to revaluate your relationship. How to Improve Your Relationships With Healthy Communication
It's important to remember that compromise requires both partners to work together to find a shared definition of happiness. Sometimes, that means giving up something they would prefer individually in order to move forward together.
Compromise is not to be confused with sacrifice, which is either a solo act done for a partner's happiness or a situation where one partner's giving is disproportionate to the other's. True compromise involves mutual respect and giving for the betterment of the partnership.
What to Do When Your Partner Doesn't Respect You
2 Sources
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1.Hong W, Liu RD, Ding Y, et al. Self-esteem moderates the effect of compromising thinking on forgiveness among Chinese early adolescents. Front Psychol. 2020;11:104. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00104
- Don’t always try to be right. The first problem with fights is that everyone involved wants to be right. We all want to win! It’s understandable that you feel that way, but it’s something you need to stop feeling.
- Let things go. Needing to be right is just the first thing you need to let go of. Don’t hold so tightly to all the past wrongs the person may have done for you.
- Rethink your expectations. Have you ever kept an argument going just because you were on a roll? But halfway through, found that you weren’t really passionate about what you were fighting for?
- Be willing to change. After you rethink your expectations, be willing to act on the changes as you see fit. It’s one thing to say you’re willing to compromise, but another thing entirely to actually act on that change.
Jan 10, 2013 · Learn how to manage conflict and find compromise with this exercise from Drs. John and Julie Gottman designed for healthy communication.
- Ellie Lisitsa
Jul 13, 2023 · How to Compromise in a Relationship. Navigating compromise can feel daunting, but it's an invaluable skill in sustaining a thriving relationship. The work of give-and-take requires empathy, patience, and open-mindedness as you learn to harmonize your needs with your partner's.
Oct 29, 2015 · In this post, I’ll enumerate seven ways of compromising that will help you recapture the love, trust, and intimacy that may have been—well—“compromised” when you had to face the fact that you and...
How to compromise. If you both communicate openly about a conflict, then you’re both more likely to be able to reach a compromise that is understood fully by everyone involved, and as such, less likely to cause problems further down the line. Instead of simply suppressing your objections, try to talk about them openly.
